66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
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waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.