My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
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i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I can’t wait!
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?