*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Lmao
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.