Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
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Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
This rocks
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
This classic never gets old . . .
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min