*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
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i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
sistine chapel
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*