“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
You Might Also Like
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do