It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
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We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.