whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
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Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Awwwww shit.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I was just discussing this with my cat
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
My inexpensive home security system…
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early