I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
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Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.