My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
You Might Also Like
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Tough love is true love
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade