ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
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They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”