[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
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Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.