I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
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Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”