People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
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Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.