[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
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75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
the best thing i’ve ever made
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.