me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
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Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
*skinny dips into black hole
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on