Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
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Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
your elf on the shelf was delicious
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.