well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
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“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
umm…
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.