there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
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New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Damn what did I do next