Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
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My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
White Castle for the Win
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.