In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
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Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.