I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
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My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Worst perfume name ever.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Need WebMD
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.