The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
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HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Worth the read.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME