The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
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Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.