Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
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I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word