Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
You Might Also Like
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
bro what is going on at twitter
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?