Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
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Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school