[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it