This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
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M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
#catsoftwitter
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666