*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
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Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.