Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
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Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.