Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
sistine chapel
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.