I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
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a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching