I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
pep talk
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁