BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
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My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
this is literally a CIA plant
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers