Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
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I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
waiting for halloween be like:
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.