*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
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*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Don’t talk down to me
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.