Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
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I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My dad teaching me to drive
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.