No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
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I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
there’s probably a fee though
Yes my dude
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha