“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
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I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot