I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
You Might Also Like
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.