Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
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You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.