BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
new career option?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.