Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
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I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Finally, an explanation.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
We’ve all been there…
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.