God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
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Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you鈥檙e so fired
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Isn鈥檛 that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I鈥檓 way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
ME: I heard about your wife. I鈥檓 so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she鈥檚 right here
ME: I know, and it鈥檚 true she鈥檚 just awful
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad鈥檚 feud
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there鈥檚 no way he’s finished in the bath already
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My dad would freak tf out!馃ぃ馃拃
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don鈥檛 make that much money i promise you bro 馃槶 馃槵
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I鈥檓 good for it just let me live here bro you don鈥檛 have to worry about me fr I promise 馃槫馃
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
N = Someone
O = Doesn鈥檛
P = Understand
E = Acronyms