got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
You Might Also Like
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Proctology is located in A55
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.