Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
You Might Also Like
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Mission: Impossible
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔