Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
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[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
sensitive skin