Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
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Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day