This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
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Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist